


By reflection

by Castalie



Series: The Night [4]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gritty, M/M, Prostitution, allusion to child abuse, allusion to non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-25
Updated: 2011-04-25
Packaged: 2017-10-18 16:00:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castalie/pseuds/Castalie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair reflects on his life and the meaning of the word 'courage'. Nothing is described on-screen but there is talk about abuse and rape at one point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By reflection

_I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection._ \- Thomas Paine

Blair had realized fairly young that most people lived a dream, but were so self-centered that they didn't even see it.

They whined about not having the right brand of whatever fancy food they preferred, instead of looking at their fridge and being grateful that it was full. They complained about a small leak in their basement, when they should have been down on their knees thanking Whoever they believed in that they had a fucking roof above their heads to begin with. They bitched to their friends about their last vacation that had been so boring, instead of appreciating the change from their daily routine.

He had no sympathy for them when his own horizon had always been dirty streets and a sky that seemed to be permanently dark. The self-absorbed idiots complained about wives that were always too present, husbands that were always too absent, parents too overbearing and kids too ungrateful. Blair sometimes wondered whether such people deserved all they had, if they could dismiss it so easily.

He'd resented them at first, then come to realize that it wasn't their fault; it was just how things were and, like the rest of his shitty existence, he just had to accept it. When he'd grown a little older, he'd even understood that it was actually one of their privileges; having the freedom to complain about the smallest things when they had everything, gave them a sense of control and security. Not that it could redeem them in his eyes, but it helped alleviate some of the anger he felt toward those people who were incapable of appreciating all the wonders of their lives, when he himself hungered for just one-tenth of such riches.

Blair sometimes called them 'The Whiners', though not to Jim's face because the big guy kept calling him a "prejudiced little shit" and it was getting old, but they deserved it. It wasn't only that The Whiners and Blair saw 'good' and 'bad' in life so differently. He reckoned that they didn't know what courage was either, and that also irritated the hell out of him.

So maybe Jim was right and he _was_ a prejudiced little shit, but what had he ever got from Them anyway? Oh, that was easy - absolutely nothing. Except for contemptuous looks, painful beatings and hard cocks angrily shoved into his body. His destiny wasn't exactly the happiest.

In Blair's opinion, courage wasn't starting a new career when you had willingly chosen to give up on the old one. It wasn't leaving mommy and daddy to go to college when you knew you had a family and a house to go back to if something went wrong, nor was it starting a new job on the other side of the country when you were the one who had decided to leave. It certainly wasn't starting on a new diet and going to the gym when you already looked like a fucking model; damn, but he hated those, whether they were men or women.

Such choices might demand determination and motivation, but _courage_? Hell no. Courage was an aspect that went much deeper. Courage was when you took real risks, when you put yourself in danger because you'd decided the goal was worth the hazard. And no, he wasn't talking about bungee jumping or skydiving. He meant something real.

Blair had always considered himself _determined_. Determined to go through another beating without crying, another rape without losing his mind. Determined to deal with another client and his disgusting demands without throwing up, to get up and live another day despite the emptiness surrounding him. He'd been motivated all right, because he would be damned if he ever let anyone break him.

But could he find enough courage to open his heart, to be brave enough to hope and love again? Not on his life. Well, not in this life.

At least, not until Jim.

The stubborn man hadn't broken _him_ , but had been determined to breach most of Blair's walls - and when Jim Ellison decided he wanted something, he went for the kill. No surrender for that man, which was a good thing.

Blair had been one cold little bitch, and nothing short of an ex-soldier on a mission could have made him cave in. Jim had always made good on his promises, but at first, he hadn't made any promises at all. That restraint had made Blair respect him more than he ever had anyone else. Love had come much later. After respect had come friendship, then finally love... slowly, almost painfully. Both men had a lot of baggage and, even though Blair liked to imagine Jim as the Prince Charming he'd dreamed of, for more or less all his childhood, their life was no fairytale. Sometimes it took hard work before you could reap the rewards.

With Jim, Blair had learned to release his fears and risk everything he had left to give. It took guts when you'd been betrayed over and over again, but you allowed yourself to trust once more. When hands had been raised to you in anger all your life, you needed courage to finally believe that, this time, a hand would only caress and give you pleasure. But somehow, he'd found the fortitude to forget the lessons of being so many times by people who were supposed to protect and cherish him, and he'd consented to love again.

Courage was hearing Jim say he loved him and wanted to be by his side for however long they had together, and _believing_ him. Courage was saying "I love you" back, and having faith that he wouldn't be laughed at in return.

So when Jim called him his "strong little shit" in addition to his other niceties, Blair took it as the compliment it was meant to be. Because yeah, it took balls to admit you needed someone and to tell your fear to go fuck itself, and Blair expected to be rewarded for having the biggest balls in this relationship. And if it took all their lives before the fear finally disappeared? Well, so be it.

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you goes to Starwatcher for the beta.


End file.
